540
I have never wanted to be
happy. not ever and certainly
not today. with a life full of shitty
situations, death, hatred, and decay—
wanting to be happy would be
an outrageous thing to ask for.
I know not to get comfortable
at any point because what goes
up must come down. when I was
at school; I used to catch the 540
back home. sometimes we’d walk
and stop by the Mcdonalds for the
monopoly stickers. XY would win
a sugar donut and I’d turn the hand
dryer on while she went to the bathroom.
that town almost killed me, but I still didn’t
wanna leave. and, now I live in a different
town where bad things still happen to me.
love box
how can a girl know so
much about the world
without having had a
man touch the most
intimate parts of her?
all she knows is the
feeling of her own hands,
of her own fingers. she needed
his hands, his fingers to scope
out the premature beginnings
of loneliness and bring them
to completion.
at this point, she is chasing
pity fucks and any man
who would be willing to
love for one evening. he
must make the most of
the act of taking her virginity.
she will bleed, and she will
probably cry at least once.
but at least the deed will
be done and she can die
knowing that one man’s
penis rose to her birdsong.
their heads will bang against
the double glazed windows
of the five star hotel where
they serve blackberry wine
instead of coffee. with each
rhythmic thrust, she sheds
her angel wings — becoming
one with the world of dirty
lust and orgasmic dreams.
she’s the devil you know
and the one you ply with
diazepam to numb the yelps
of the emotions which make
her seem a little too human.
pain dissolves into sex and
sex dissolves into being a
scapegoat for erudites and
aristocrats. they’re a lot less
inclined to hurt you if you
mirror their image.
Courtenay S. Gray is a writer from the North of England. You’ll find her work in an array of journals such as A Thin Slice of Anxiety, Misery Tourism, Expat Press, Red Fez, and many more. She will often post on her blog: www.courtenayscorner.com Twitter: @courtenaywrites
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